Give them a truly moronic name.

I am continually amazed at the names (and the spellings) that I come across at work. I mean, you just can't DO that! It's crazy! But, apparently, there are no rules when it comes to names. You can make them up, disregard all natural phonetics, and have as much fun with them as you want.

I like the cheerful ones. Like Sparkle. Or Peaceful. And Lucky. Rainbow is a classic. Or you could save yourself some time and go ahead and name your baby Hippie. Or Tree-Hugger. Either one will work.

And spelling? Pshaw! Do what you want! Kurismah, excellent alternative to Charisma. And Tiphuknee is so much lovelier than Tiffany. Twyalite is nice for Twilight, plus you get bonus points for the hippie factor. Kennedy, nice presidential ring to it, but far too bland. Name them Kinnadeigh. Shake it up a little.

Also, do away with vowels whenever possible. That's fun. Conklqulio. Wish I had more exmpls, bt is hrdr thn it lks.

Product endorsement? Go for it. Puma. Espn (pronounced Espin). Finesse? Why not? Loreal? Perfect. Velveeta is a little out there, but so be it. Camry? Sweet.

Let's have some fun with these kids, by george.

But, all joking aside, please tell me that Dopplar Radar is just an urban legend. I simply cannot believe there's some poor kid out there with that name.

If there is, then Dopplar, I'm really sorry. You have my permission to legally change your name and kick your parents in the shins.