November 05, 2004
"Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:31-34
Sometimes, I marvel at the fact that I've been a Christian for over twenty years, especially when such a simple concept still eludes me. I've had twenty years to learn not to worry- and I still struggle with it, especially when it comes to finances. The truth of the matter is, there are moments when the pantry is bare. When we're late on the rent. When the lights are almost turned off. We skate by, by the skin of our teeth, at the last minute- all the time. We're actually pretty used to it. We've learned what's important and what's not, and we're not hung up on most of that stuff. But it's not about those things that I worry. I worry about food, and gas, and insurance- the things that aren't luxuries, but necessities. I don't know how not to worry about those things, when it's my job to provide that for my children. There are times, when nothing short of a miracle is going to get us through till the next paycheck. What can I do? I pray, but I don't know if I really expect His help. Am I terrible? The fact is, we need MIRACLES, the real deal- water to wine kind of thing. And let's face it, God just doesn't work like that very often. I bought a lotto ticket, giving God an excellent opportunity to work a miracle, and He didn't. I look in the mailbox, waiting for some big check for something I've overpaid, and nothing. I know that's not the right way. But I've prayed and prayed my heart out, and I still feel like I'm not doing something right. I don't get it. I don't know what He wants me to learn from this. Not to be materialistic? To have more faith? Humility? I'm trying and I'm failing, whatever lesson to be found in this. I guess I feel like if I can figure that out, He'll let things be easier. Writing that, I realize just how short I am falling in this walk right now. I am ashamed to confess these things, I really am. But I'm desperate to find answers, and genuinely worn out from worry. If He knows what our needs are (and I believe He does know), why isn't He doing something? How bad of a Christian am I that I would question Him? Is this why things are hard, because I don't have enough faith? How close will He let us get to debtor's prison before saving us? He's on our side, right? So why do I feel so forgotten... or so unimportant to Him right now?
Before you think I've totally lost my mind, I really am thankful for all the blessings God has given me. I feel very ungrateful voicing these feelings in light of all the things I do have. I have so much more than most of the world. I have ten pair of shoes. How many people don't even have one? I have deodorant, a toothbrush, clothes to wear in the winter and the summer. I have a car and a roof over my head and a t.v. I have a computer! And that's just the physical stuff. I can't even begin to count the other blessings in my life.
I'm terribly conflicted.
Sorry to lament on my blog, I usually try to keep things upbeat around here. But, I also don't want to be false. I've said before that I want APOG to be real, and this is just part of it. Sometimes life is hard, and this is one of those days.
But, tomorrow is another day, somebody once wisely said. Thank goodness for that.
And thus ends what is surely the most depressing post I've ever written. Ugh.
We all go through this, I think. Well except the very rich, but as *they* say, money won't buy you happiness. (I think it's worth a try, come on give me a million bucks!)
I still am going through this, but I have noticed that I have learned to let some things go and God provides even more for me. Don't ask me how I do it, I couldn't tell you. And if something happened to my husband, well I would probably be homeless. But I can't worry about those things today. If today your husband and your children are there and happy and healthy, why then it's a pretty darn good day!
Tomorrow could bring another bill in the mail or it could bring untold sorrow: I'd rather get the bill. You can put the bill on the stack and negotiate with the bill collector and once that's out of the way, you can go about your day!
Scarlett O'Hara (Gone with the Wind) said something like that too, and look at all the trials she went through and remained a strong woman. "Well, I'm just not going to think about that now, I'll think about it all tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!" To me, that's the reason that story was a great classic!
Posted by: annie at November 5, 2004 07:51 PMHey Shannon, I just want to encourage you that the questions you are asking are questions that David, a man after God's heart, asked. And the fact that you ask them is more indicative of your faith, than a lack of it. Try to read Psalm 13. Doug Wilson's Blog and Mablog, in the Psalms Archive, has a great explanation of how we may properly lament and charge God with neglecting us. I found it really enlightening.
Posted by: Debby at November 6, 2004 09:58 AM"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
You're in my prayers Shan!
Posted by: took at November 6, 2004 10:17 PMBeen there, done that, thought the same thoughts. There are no easy answers and I know how hard it is to sit and wring your hands as you worry about it all but I promise you that it will get better.
Posted by: Jeni at November 7, 2004 08:36 PMOh, Shannon, you've left some encouragements on my blog that I'm ashamed I haven't come back here earlier to read about what's going on in your life.
I do want to encourage you, though, about your questions. We've all had those same questions. I know this sounds trite, because it sounded that way to me, when I kept hearing it in the midst of my poverty, but, the breakthrough that we've had, when it comes to finances is tithing. It's not easy to fork over $130 to the church when your paycheck is $1300 and the rent is $1150, and the insurance is $300, and you still need gas and groceries. I can't tell you how it works, but I can tell you that it does. It just does. Something always happens at the 11:59 hour. An unexpected gift arrives, a forgotten assett comes to mind, a new grace period materializes, etc. We always come through those times. Always.
Posted by: another Shannon at November 8, 2004 08:04 AMWow. We hear ya...heck, we feel it this week. We saved for a vacation and we went. 1st day out, car trouble=$$
2nd day out, car trouble = $$$
A bill posted to our account on the 1st instead of the 11th as it was scheduled and guess what? Checks and payments bounced(they were paid because we have a good track record but they still cost us $25 a piece times 5...ouch).
The house payment is due this week(oops, car and oopsie by the phone company takes it below the needed amount) and oh by the way the dog got some sort of an infection that just cost us over $300.00
Makes it hard to write the tithe check, huh? Nah, do it anyway.
Next time, I'll stay home.
Posted by: SonofThunder at November 8, 2004 04:43 PMI said all that to say this:
When I look at my troubles and then look at the people that come through my office everyday(state inmates), I don't feel quite so bad. I'm not on drugs, haven't stolen from anyone, never beat anyone up, don't have multiple women trying to get alimony from me for children I never see, and don't have to worry about whether or not I'll have a place to live when I leave here.
Bring on the bills. I'll cut some more grass, or clean out some gutters or whatever needs doing.
Don't give up, Shannon, just call a good friend and vent...it'll make you feel better.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, everybody! I really appreciate them. Venting really helped, and I am feeling more positive about things!
Posted by: Shannon at November 8, 2004 06:00 PM