December 10, 2004
I have to apologize for the lack of blogging lately. I'll be honest. I haven't been able to write because two things have been on my mind. I need to write about each of them, and until I do, I'm stuck. I can't move on. The first thing I will post here, in the extended link. It is of a sensitive nature, graphic even, and I think you will understand why I was hesitant to write it. Please don't feel obligated to read it.
The second thing, I have written to exorcise from my mind as well, but I need someone's permission to publish it first. If I am able to get that, I will post it here soon. Forgive me for the quiet days here at APOG, and I hope that finally penning these thoughts will free me up for lighter and happier subjects.
I saw a baby in a bucket today.
I write that sentence abruptly because that is the way I experienced it. A woman came to our unit in premature labor, and the doctor was unable to stop the inevitable. She was 15 weeks, same as me. The nurse handed me a lidded specimen bucket and said, Here, give this to one of the nursing assistants to take to the lab. It's the fetal demise. I'm sure she didn't remember that I am pregnant. I was stunned for a moment, but recovered myself and found a group of nursing assistants. Being nursing students, they wanted to see. They opened the lid, and looked somberly inside.
The moment presented itself, and I took it. I looked. A baby boy, the size of an ink pen, floated gently in a clear liquid. My ability to be scientific fled. My academic interest disintegrated, and as I looked at this fully formed child, I was awash in sorrow. For the woman whose child was being carried in a bucket, to a lab, and away from her. I looked at her baby, and I put my hand over my own small curve.
I couldn't look long. I didn't want that image cemented in my mind. But it was enough. It was enough to make me thankful to God. For my blessings. For the survival of my own tragedies. For the ability to share and empathize and pray for people I don't even know. For the miracle of life and where it comes from. For the peace we have of reunion in an afterlife. And selfishly, that this time it wasn't me.
That was hard to admit to myself, hard to admit to you. I don't know what that means yet, what self evaluation of that moment will yield. But that's okay. Because at least I'm willing to look.
Some of life's lessons come softly. And sometimes, they don't.
Your perspective is right on- life's lessons.... make us thankful for our own blesssings
Posted by: nic at December 11, 2004 06:04 AMIt really reminds me of the frailty of life and the grace of God to sustain every breath we take.
Posted by: Frank at December 11, 2004 11:19 AMI am so sorry for that poor woman. My mom "lost" one of my siblings in the same way. However, the child was so small that the doctor wasn't able to tell the gender. So we don't mention him/her anymore. I pray that your child would be born healthy.
Posted by: Jano at December 11, 2004 11:21 AMOne day I typed in the wrong url for a website, and it instantly brought up a picture of the remians of an abbortion. That was the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life. I know it's not the same as seeing it actualy right in front of you or anything, but it's something that I haven't been able to fully push out of my mind. That poor woman.
Posted by: Took at December 13, 2004 10:43 AMShannon, honey...
I'm wishing I could give you and that poor mother a hug right now. I can't imagine how emotional that must've been for you, and my heart goes out to you both. You are right to ponder the many blessings we all take for granted every day! I know the loss of my aunt recently has made me keenly grateful for everything in my life. Thank you for this lovely post - you continue to remind me of what really matters.
Posted by: Michelle at December 13, 2004 01:06 PMIts a sad thing.Ive lost 4 babies at 12 weeks.They had all died in utero.I wish the docs had told me the sex of them.I do mourn them tho Im so thankful that God gave me a happy healthy son after them....Take care and good luck:)
Posted by: butterflies at December 13, 2004 09:43 PMI just love the way you write, Shannon. Whether it's humor, philosophical, touching or tragic, you have such a way with words. I'm so glad that you blog and that I found you. I may not visit daily, but I do visit every few days or so, and it's like chatting with an old friend. Thank you for sharing you life and your heart with us.
Posted by: shannonblogs at December 14, 2004 04:50 PM