December 29, 2004
How do you start writing the things you don't want to say? Do you jump right in and face the cold shock of the truth? Or do you ease in, one toe at a time, hoping each second will get easier? I’m usually not the jumping type, but there’s no easy way to lead into this subject.
My younger brother has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. It's not a secret, not exactly. You just can’t hide something like that forever. But, wanting to spare grief to others, we try to handle things on our own. It’s been our policy to “circle the wagons”. But when the trouble is from within… what good does that do? So, I’m coming clean. I’m putting it out there. I hope so much that this doesn’t hurt my mom or dad or anybody, but I need to write about this. I can’t see that saying these things, saying the truth, makes it any more painful. It’s the secrets that hurt, that erode. Saying them is a relief.
It’s been seven or eight years since this began. I can’t say what started it. Bad choices, opportunity, rebellion? Wherever the beginning is to be found, we are here now. We’ve tried everything we know to do… and we’ve made mistakes. In ways, we probably enabled him. We went through all the stages. We were in denial, then we tried to reason with him, tried to help him see, gave him places to live, set him up in school, help him find jobs, you name it, we did it. We supported and prayed and gave everything we had to give. But, we protected him too much. When we could, we removed his consequences. Bailed him out. Helped him, which in the end, hasn't helped. We made it so that he could continue to live this way, without even realizing we had done that. And I’m NOT putting this off on my parents, it was all of us. We each, in our own way, allowed him to get away with it.
Yeah, that’s bad.
And realizing that it wasn’t working, we did other things. We had hard talks with him, we showed tough love, too. But maybe not tough enough… I just don’t know. Did we do enough? Did we say enough? What’s left that we haven’t tried? The enabling is over. We're done. But what's left is helplessness, and fear. The consequences that he could face if he continues on this path, well I don’t even want to talk about them. There are no more options. There’s no padding to his fall. If he falls, he will be far beyond our reach, beyond our protection.
And in this moment, that seems so dire and imperative, I’m tired.
How’s that for selfless and supportive? I don’t want it to be about him anymore. I’m tired of walking on eggshells, of worrying if he’ll disappear or REappear, of seeing the needs of other family members shrink in light of his crisis. I’m out of ideas. I’m tapped out. I haven’t given up on him, because I don’t believe God works that way. But I’m to the point where the only thing I know to do is to give him over to his own devices. Which is so scary.
I love my brother, and it’s hard to say those things. But, it’s done. I broke my silence. I don’t know what it accomplishes, I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know how you can help. All I know is that we can’t do this alone anymore, and I can’t keep carrying this around quietly.
I truly hope that sharing these things here doesn’t cause my family any pain, that’s not my intent. As a matter of fact, it's the last thing I want to do in the world. I'll admit that I am afraid of the consequences of sharing this publicly-- it's a risk. But it's not just about him anymore. It's something that affects all of us, and I need to be able to write about it. I’m just trying to understand, to work my way through this thing, and this is the only way I know to do it. Writing is therapeutic for me, but it's so much more than that.
Someday, and I pray it's soon, I want to write a happy ending to this story. I want to see the way God has used this time in my brother's life to do good things. I want to see him happy and well and thriving. I want to see him hold himself with pride, but the kind born of humility and grace. I want to write those things for all to see, to the glory of God.
No work of fiction could begin to compare.
Shannon,
This moved me. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts about my little brother as well. I don't know else to do. We are in the same boat, cuz.
HE is the one who has to get tired and have enough of it. Everyone has their own personal "bottom out".
For some it's just feeling icky, for some it's O.d.ing. For some it's losing the respect of aquaintances, for others it's losing their spouse or children. And for some it's going to jail or going crazy or death. I know, it's scary.
You have learned the hard way that you've been enabling him and it is just delaying the process of "bottoming out". And if he ends up in jail LEAVE HIM THERE!!! You'll know he's SAFE!
The lesson is not learned if Mommy or Daddy bails you out of jail and brings you home and feeds you and puts a roof over your head because you lost your job and your house! I have never understood this and I have always told my kids, I would do anything for them, die for them, but if they're in jail for drugs or alcohol they better not waste their one phone call on me!
Anyhow, does he want to quit? Does he see a problem? Has he asked for the help of a Drug Treatment facility? If not, then he's not ready. The only thing you can do is let him go.
Have you or your family looked into "Al-anon" or "Narc-anon", not the regular "AA" or "NA"; these are support groups for the family members of the addict, to have a better understanding.
Posted by: annie at December 29, 2004 09:34 PMIt is good you put this issue out here. Even Christian families have serious troubles as we all live in a fallen world. For instance, one of my brothers is far far away from God. I wonder if that makes him look any better in God's eyes when we're talking about your brother. I don't think so. The only way of mercy is Jesus and until they learn that, there is no distinction. Sin is not something we should keep in secret forever. Everything will be disclosed one day. Anyways, I pray that God's will would be done even in lives of these two guys.
Posted by: Jano at December 30, 2004 06:51 AMYou've been reading my mind again... and you've stepped in to where I was planning... and still plan... to go this weekend... which is into my blog...
Be watching your mail... I'm sending you and everyone else in our family a copy of a book called "Good News for the Chemically Dependant and those who Love Them" by Jeff VanVonderan. It starts off a hard book to read... the first half explains how it all works... how it gets where it got... the damage it does... not just to him, but to each of us... and it hurts to acknowledge (we not only don't talk to each other about it, but we don't talk to ourselves, either...) and yet... it helps to know that there is a commonality... that he and we aren't the only ones in the world facing the things we're facing...
The second half... the "good news" part... that I've been reading since I got home from being with y'all at Christmas... is liberating... and wonderful... and life-changing... something I... and you will have to read more than once to let it reach inside to where it can make a difference...
I love you, little girl...
Posted by: Aunt Vickie at December 30, 2004 11:26 AMShannon, my heart broke for you when I read this. Sometimes I don't read your blog for days and when I come back, I'm always so glad that I do. Usually it's because you put a smile on my face. Today I'm glad I came back and read this so that I can lift you and your family up in prayer and possibly encourage you.
This is the first Christmas that I got to say to God, "thank you for hearing my prayers for all of my family that was unsaved!" They are all, with the possible exception of my brother and his wife who say they are Christians but don't go to church, true believers and will be with us in heaven some day. I can't tell you how many tears I shed over them and prayers I lifted up for them, though, during their sinful, rebellious, co-dependent, selfish years. Sometimes when I talk to my dad and he says something like, "let me share with you what I heard in church last week." It throws me off because I prayed for his salvation for so many years that it wierds me out that he IS now!
So, pray for him. It's all you can do now, Shannon, and it's most powerful.
Posted by: shannonblogs at December 31, 2004 12:47 AMAs hard as it sounds, your brother is going to have to want to make these changes for himself. No one can talk him into it, force him, or want it for him. He has to want it. Sometimes all you can do is distance yourself from it in order to save your own sanity. Doesn't mean you don't love him or have given up on him, but you can't let his decisions destroy you in the process. Just love him and keep saying lots of prayers, both work, just not as fast as we would like or expect.
Here's hoping that the New Year is a better one!
I don't really know if there's anything I can say that would help comfort or ease any pain, except that my prayers go out for you, your brother, and the rest of your family. Trust in Him, and all will work out in the end.
Posted by: Callie at January 1, 2005 11:42 PMHey Shannon,
I just want to let you know that you and your family are constantly in my prayers. My prayers are focused more for your mom and dad right now, that God will give them the wisdom and strength to make the right decisions, and that they will be led by God only, for HIS ultimate glory in all of this.
Read Isaiah 50:2 & Isaiah 59:1
Love you all
Posted by: Aunt Dianna at January 2, 2005 08:16 AMThanks for all the encouragement and support, and your prayers. I appreciate them all!
Posted by: Shannon at January 2, 2005 05:13 PMshannon...well obviously you aren't alone on this one. I'm dealing with it as well. Christmas was very very hard for me, I didnt really want to pretend I was happy- because I wasn't. I want to talk, we need to talk. I love you and I am always here for you. Its going to take me you and ashley to stick together and pray hard for our family.
Posted by: britt at January 3, 2005 01:03 PM