I'm scared, and angry, and discouraged- and helpless. I don't know how to be helpless. I'm used to doing things, fixing things, making things happen. At the very least, I am patient and if I can't fix something right away, I am content with the thought that things will be different in the future.

But what if they aren't? What if this road has no end? What if the end comes with that phone call that we all fear so much? How close was that phone call today? Or tomorrow? Or a year from now?

Does he know that we cry? That our hearts bleed because we are so afraid for him? Does he know also that we are angry? I know he feels plenty guilty without the reminder of the pain he's caused, but that's not the point. Does he know we care-- does that penetrate into his world at all? That we are affected by him, by what he does? That that could be a GOOD thing, if things were different? That we long for things to be different, not just for our sake, but for his?

I try to be detached, I need to be. But sometimes, I just want to yell out, "HE'S MY BROTHER!!" My brother. Do you have a brother? Can you imagine how you'd feel if this was happening in your family, to your loved one? I don't want this to be. I miss him. I don't even really know him anymore- there's so much buried beneath these years. So much of him that is hidden, dormant. But I remember him before this. I remember what we expected, what we assumed, blissfully unaware of what the future held. And it had nothing to do with his accomplishments- with his talent in sports or anything like that. It was just the potential for the man he would grow up to be. A good man, not perfect, just the one he was meant to be. So much potential- Untapped, unexplored... but please not untouchable. Please don't let this be the Way It Is.

I don't know why I wrote this, other than to exorcise my demons. I feel like I'm in this loop, that I am saying and feeling the same things over and over and I can't get out of it. Each time I think I've figured it out, I find myself in the same place again. I don't want to be here anymore.

I keep thinking I should apologize for this, for the raw nature of this post. I feel like I should just cope and get over it, that I should be stronger. That I shouldn't burden the good readers here who come for lighthearted words. But that wouldn't be real. I won't invent the happy ending just because I want it, and it makes for good blogging. I may write fiction occasionally, but I don't want to live it.

Thanks for understanding that, and letting me vent here. It's good to have this place, and these friends.