Had a hard conversation today on the subject of forgiveness. I knew something had been bothering me, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. As soon as the word was spoken, I realized just how much I've been counting the wrongs done to me, done to my loved ones, by my brother. I've been holding each infraction close, taking them out more and more frequently, and reviewing them, stewing and brewing. The burden has become so heavy, and I didn't even realize the weight of it until today.
Forgiveness comes easier when someone says they are sorry. When they show true repentence, that remorse oils the squeeky gears of forgiveness. With tears of joy, we happily throw the hurts to the wind. Wrongs are forgotten, the past is released, the future embraced.
But when someone is not sorry, when they don't see or worse, don't even care what they've done, forgiveness will not budge from my heart. They haven't earned it. They don't deserve it. And they are still a threat, still bound to hurt me even more. Forgiveness is a luxury they haven't the right to.
How do you forgive someone like that? Why do you even bother? What difference does it make?
Well, I swear I've heard the answers to those questions a thousand times. But somehow, I forgot. I really, truly forgot why we forgive the unforgivable, the unrepentant. In my own pain, I blinded myself to the very foundation of my faith.
We forgive, because that was what was done for us.
It doesn't mean that you don't hurt over it, that you aren't angry, that it's acceptable, or that actions don't have consequences. All of that has to be dealt with, and that's okay. Those things are really separate issues from forgiveness. But, it does mean that in the end, you forgive those trespasses against you, as our Father forgives us.
It's not that this person deserves it or even cares about it-- it's not for him. It's for me. It's about ME striving to be more like Christ, who forgave more than my mortal mind can comprehend. He forgave the sin of all humanity. What He asks of me is a mere pittance in comparison. And when we do forgive, what rewards we reap! Peace and happiness begin to heal those hurts. We are liberated from hate, we are free to live without the shackles of that pain. That's a promise we find time and time again in the Bible.
I'm not going to lie, even knowing that, I still don't want to forgive him. It's something that I am going to have to work on. I still need to understand just what forgiveness means, but, as was pointed out to me today, this is my chance to explore that. God is giving me an opportunity to learn something, to grow, to be more of what He's called me to be.
I know I'll have to pray, "Lord, help me to WANT to forgive." The thing is, I know God will hear that, no matter how hollow it sounds to me right now. And one day, probably a day I won't expect it, that forgiveness will be there, quietly waiting for me to see it. It may not change him, or the situation, but it changes me.
I wanted to share these things here, because this is where I go, this is where my friends are, these are the people who love me and make me better. I can count on you to be the sharpening stones in my path.
I also want to thank the person who has led me to think about this, who challenged me when I needed it. You said all the right things today.
Thank you.
I seem to be able to forgive....it's the forgetting I have issues with...and the constant fear of it happening again! I do know that anger will eat you alive, and it's much healthier to forgive. Good luck with your inner struggles, I know it's very difficult!
Posted by: Suzanne at April 15, 2005 02:43 PM(((((((HUGS))))))) my darling niece...
people asked me... when the storms were brewing... and sometimes ask me now... how I could still love your Uncle Rodney... how I could forgive him... and this is how... what you have written is leading you there...
when I hurt the most... I prayed... Father, forgive him for me, through me, because I'm not capable of doing it on my own...
And you know... God did...
And then I'd suddenly find myself praying, oh, God, heal the hurts inside him that make him do such self-destructive things...
Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he does...
And I really believe that...
Little Momma said once, when I told her that, that he did, too, know what he was doing... and on one level she was right... but on another, she was wrong...
Jesus, from the cross, said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do..."
They did... and they didn't... they had no earthly idea of the full impact of their actions in God's eyes...
Neither did Rodney...
Neither does Trey...
Neither do any of us...
That's why Jesus said it...
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do...
Ask God to forgive your brother for you... through you... I mean... He's there... in you... He doesn't have to go far...
I love you, little girl...
Posted by: Aunt Vickie at April 15, 2005 05:41 PMIt is hard to forgive. I am sure that it is very hard for anyone who has seen what youve seen and gone through what you have and seen the ones closest to you hurt by me. I am truly sorry for all the things ive done. I do not know completly the effects my actions have had on my sisters and my entire family. I know that there is nothing i can say to anyone that makes anything anybetter. I did my crimes. I am fixing to have to pay for them. I am gonna have to serve my time but once thats over then i will be able to hold my head up and no one will be able to hold those things against me anymore. I am truly sorry though shann
Posted by: Trey at April 16, 2005 11:59 PMTrey,
Doing the time does not absolve you of the crimes, it just punishes you for committing them. Once you have paid your debt to the state, you will have a lot of restitution to make towards your family for what you have done to them. It's easy enough to say you're sorry, but it will take some serious action on your part before you're apologies are accepted as sincere.
Hi Shannon,
I was searching the internet for theatre monologues about forgiveness for an original high school play we are putting on in Maryland called Devastation, Forgiveness and Love. We are an inner city high school which had no drama program for the last 10 years. The students and many volunteers from the community banded together to offer an after-school drama club to the school. The students have written quite a few pieces on all three topics in the name of the show, but as you may be able to imagine, the students wrote less material on forgiveness than on the other two topics (and there is very little out there that already exists). Forgiveness is much harder to experience than devastation and love.
After reading your thoughts from Inner Workings, I realize, this is exactly what we were looking for. It is so well written and honest. May we perform your thoughts under "Inner Workings" as a monologue in our show? I'd be happy to credit you as you like or keep it anonymous if you prefer. I just think it will really give some heart-felt restorative content to a pretty heavy show and give the audience and the students a positive reference point on a difficult subject.
Please let me know your thoughts on this via email.
Thank you.
-Chris
chrisandjeff5678@hotmail.com
Chris, I shot you an email about that, just to letcha know. :)
Posted by: Shannon at April 19, 2005 04:39 PMPatrick, props to you for speaking the truth plainly! Shannon, as always, I am so proud of you and it comes as no surprise me to see God using your words to reach out to others, after all, He gave you that talent! Trey, I have to reply to your response, too. Please know that I am not trying to hurt your feelings or pass judgement on the sincerity of your apology to Shannon. I wish it was as easy as you make it sound, that once you serve the time, everything will be over and done with, but that is not the case. There are years worth of pain and heartbreak in this family that have to be acknowledged and dealt with. My biggest concern right now is for my little brother and his wife. Their pain over your mistakes and their fear for your future breaks my heart, and I feel so utterly, desperately helpless to do anything that will ease their hurt. I don't know if you can even begin to imagine what it feels like to want so badly to help someone and not be able to.....it's like having someone hold you back while you watch your loved ones burn in a house fire or something. It's real, and it won't go away no matter how much we want it to. Again, it is not my intention to hurt your feelings, but this is how I feel. I love you and I wish that all of this had never ever happened, but it did, and you need to realize that serving your time doesn't make the hurt to your family go away. We do all love you, and we are all praying for your recovery and, like Shannon, for God's help in trying to forgive you so that we can begin to heal.
Posted by: auntj at April 21, 2005 02:30 PM