September 16, 2005
His fist trembled inches from her face, and she held her breath, waiting. Eyes that should hold love, were filled with hatred instead. Go ahead, she thought. Just do it. And tomorrow when I walk around with a black eye, everybody will see it. And everybody will know what you really are.
But he didn't do it. Somebody intervened, somebody stopped him from crossing that line.
But next time? When nobody's there? How easy will that line be to cross?
I can't take this anymore. I can't stand knowing that any moment he could snap and hurt, or kill, the people I love. I can't stand that they don't kick him out, for good, no matter what the cost. I can't stand that my mother, and father, and sister have "learned to live" with the way he treats them. I can't stand waiting for the next phone call, praying it's not the one that will send me gasping to the floor. I want him out. I want him far away, until he learns to act like a human being. If he can. If he's not completely given over to his wretchedness already.
Are you reading this? Are you brave enough to come to my place and read my words? How do you like seeing your life here in black and white for everybody to read? Do you feel any shame at all that your secrets are revealed? Are you capable of true shame, anymore?
I hate feeling this way. I hate the anger and helplessness, and yes, bitterness. I hate that I can't simply love you. I also have to fear you, and doubt you, and guard against you. I have to keep my children away from you, because you are dangerous and unpredictable. I don't want to believe you'd hurt me or them, I still can't wrap my head around that thought - but you've done so much I never thought you would. I don't know what lines you would cross anymore.
My brother and my enemy- how deep this wound aches...
I tried, I tried to support and love you through this. Every fiber in my being strained to lift you up. But I can't, I won't, stay silent as you destroy the people I love.
Get out. Go away. Leave them be.
If you can change, if you can get better, then do it. Come back when you've learned how not to hate and blame everyone around you for the blackness that YOU are responsible for.
I don't know what more to say. I'm tired of talking, of thinking, of living this. We all have to be able to get over it, whether he does or not. I want my family back- I want my parents to smile and laugh again - I want our conversations to be about anything else. I want our home to be healed and whole and happy. I want it to be the place I remember from so long ago.
That's all.
It's not much.
Just peace.
I love the memory of the little boy who once upon a very long time ago was... and my heart cries for him...
but the man who lives in that little boy's grown-up body isn't my nephew... sometimes looks like him... sometimes sounds like him... but isn't him... I sometimes think the body snatchers left his stranger in my nephew's place...
and I don't wish for them to give me back the child who was on his way to becoming who he now is...
what I wish is for them to give me someone totally new... a new creature in Christ, if you will... not the young man who was... or is... but the young man that could have been... should have been...
mostly I just wish for my family... including him... to be safe... and happy again...
peace...
yes, baby girl...
that's it...
Posted by: Aunt Vickie at September 16, 2005 04:58 PMshannon,
I have just read your very sad message and I feel your pain more than you can possibly know. We watched the very same events unfold with
David. I always worried that David ,in a drug rage, would go in and harm Momma in his desperation for need of the drugs. He was not the same man that I knew and loved at one time. I never imagined that my sister and her family would be living that same life as Momma and Mike did. There is no explaination or reason for Trey's behavior that we can know and understand. It is however a disease and there is no way to deny it. It could be any one of us and that you must believe too. Your mother and I know that full well about ourselves. Admitting that we come from an addictive family helps in some ways. Some can deal with it and not become victim to it and some can not. Trey can notl. I feel an uneasiness that I do not like. It is like this can not continue to go on like this and I feel like something is going to happen that is going to rock our world. I am scared for Pam and John and where the breaking point is going to be. I do see my sister's spirit being sucked out of her little by little and I am angry with Trey also. It is like Who Does He Think He is? God is still in control and Trey is not regardless to what he thinks. God is not going to let things continue this way for ever. Hang in there kiddoe and by the way Happy Big 3-0 and God bless you and youjr wonderful little family.
I hope you know that i never came close nor would i ever think of hitting anyone in my family. I am sorry that my little sister blowed that WAY out of porportion. SHe jumped at me like she was gonna hit me and i did the same thing to her. My fist were NEVER within 5 feet of her and it was not in some drug raged fit.
Posted by: Trey at September 18, 2005 01:21 PMNo, I don't know that, Trey. I don't know where your boundaries are anymore, so I don't know what you'll do and what you won't do.
I understand that you want to defend yourself. But your actions are unjustifiable no matter what the details of the situation are. If you want to call me or email me, I'll be happy to tell you why.
Posted by: Shannon at September 18, 2005 02:31 PMSomething to remember... bear with me... this will make sense...
God told us to love one another... and there are ways and ways to do that...
Tell one another... with real words...
Show one another... with acts of service...
Live it... by rejoicing...and mourning... together...
He wept... remember... when Lazarus died...
We share the joys...
And we share the pain...
And if just one person comes here... and goes away stronger... because he realizes he is not alone in the landslide that his life has become...
Or if one person comes here... and goes away encouraged... because he sees that someone else is making it through the storm... one day... or one minute... at a time...
If one person comes here... and goes away strengthened... with the courage to see it out for another day...
If just one person comes here... and recognizes himself... and finds his turning point in these pages...
Then sharing the pain is worth every teardrop...
Something important to remember... feelings are not right or wrong... they simply are...
A wise and wonderful man... the one I married... told me at Jason's funeral when one or two were hurt and upset over the actions and perceived indifference of another... told me to remember that each of us does the best he can do in a given situation...
We deal with grief differently...we deal with pain differently... we deal with fear differently...
And if you read this blog... or mine... and are hurt because we have shared our pain with the world... know this... that the sharing wasn't meant to hurt you... we're doing the best we can in a situation we never dreamed we'd find ourselves in...
Pain begets pain... sorrow begets sorrow... fear begets fear... and before you know it... the pain, sorrow, fear come between us when we need one another most...
Do I have any answers? Nope... not a one... other than to encourage us all to stay focused on God... to look to Him for strength because we have none in ourselves... to remember He is for us... and we are for each other... to have compassion for one another...
For there is another important thing to remember... love begets love... and the closer we stay to Him... the closer we are to the good things... the bright things... the beautiful things...
All is not lost...
Posted by: Aunt Vickie at September 18, 2005 07:11 PMThat has to be one of the most encouraging and thought provoked email I have ever read. Vickie said it so well and covered each one of us in one way or another. I failed to mention that I have had some of the same struggles in my life and God saw fit to let me get past them and it was his mercy and grace that brought me here and now. My family was my other rock and my port in the storm. They stood by me when I was at my lowest and took us in when we had no where to go. My children were my foundation and it was because of them that I cared enough to want to get on with life and not throw it all away for nothing. I have so much to give thanks for and Satan hates when he can't win. He also loves it when he can win. Take some of that bitterness and turn it around or at least figure out why it is there and then do something about it. Take responsibility for your own actions and always try do the right thing.
Posted by: aunt charlotte at September 18, 2005 09:48 PMAs i sit here, i try to find something to write. I try to figure out what it
is that i want to say. I simply cant find it. I dont know how to get across
what i feel and what i am thinking. Ive done terrible things in my life.
I am fully aware that i probably just am not a good person and i understand
that i am a drug addict. I know that not everything i have done has simply been
for drugs. I wish that every time i stole something was becuase of drugs. I wish
every time that i had lashed out at momma and daddy had been becuase i was high.
Thats just not the case. Its not becuase i dont love them. I dont really know how
to live with the things that i have done. I dont know how to look in the mirror
and see something other than what i have become. there is nothing more important
to me that my niece and my nephews. As i write this, i cant even hold back the
tears that come when i think of my niece one day in her dance outfit on stage
or her on the sidelines in high school in her cheerleading outfit. I cant hold back
the tears when i think of watching luke and eli playing sports. I never reply to any
of these BLOGS or whatever because they make me angry. I dont think everything should
be aired out in public. Ya ll say i have always needed to work on my communciation.
I say, so do yall. I see what your saying about this might could help others in the
same place. Thats why i am writing this, well that and i want to make my peace also.
The bitterness that is in side of me has always been just misdirected. I am only mad
at myself. I only blame myself. I have never put the blame on any one but me. I have
punished others not purposely but i have. It hurts to know that yout would think
i would ever hit or kill anyone in this family and i truly just dont see you
really believing that. I dont really know what else to say. Move on. I have to
My goal is not to embaress or humiliate you publicly. I realize it's difficult to read these things here, and I appreciate your willingness to write your own thoughts.
Do you want to know why I do this? For too long, our family lived in a black hole with this problem, like many families. Nobody talked about it, nothing was done. Now, people come here to get things off their chest, to deal, and heal. I can't apologize for opening up my blog for that - because it has helped so many of us.
As to the rest, my heart breaks at the very same thoughts. It kills me. But you are in charge of your own life.
You said nothing is more important to you than your nieces and nephews. That's not true. Your lifestyle is more important. The drugs, the people, whatever you get out of it... it all comes first. You choose it above everything else. Maybe you're beyond the point of being able to choose anything else, and in that case, only YOU can get the help you need. You're never too far to choose help, because we've surrounded you with it. You just won't take it. After all this, you STILL haven't reached your breaking point.
Don't wait too long, Trey. Because if you do, you'll wake up and see that all Luke and Eli's baseball games are over. The pom-poms are packed away. And what you claim to be the most important thing to you will have slipped right through your fingers.
Posted by: Shannon at September 19, 2005 02:13 PM
I know I have no business posting a comment on this blog, as it is a family matter, but gosh does my heart break for you all. As a parent myself, it is hard to think of your child, regarldless of age, on this road of self destruction.
Trey, I hope that one day soon you will find in life what you are looking for. I do not know you personally, but have known of you since you were a small boy. Your family loves you, I hope you don't ever lose sight of that. And realize they are frightened for you. It is difficult for your family to give you what you need when you yourself don't know what it is. I know there is a good person living within you, you just have to find a way to get back in touch with him. Easier said than done, yes, but it can be done if you want it badly enough. True, you need to think of what this is doing to your family, but first you need to think of what you are doing to yourself. Have the will to live, to accept, and open your heart to change. I wish for you much courage and the strength to overcome.
Lori, you are always welcome to comment here. :)
Posted by: Shannon at September 19, 2005 09:36 PMShannon, I thank you for the opportunity. This is especially hard on you, his sister. You are caught in the middle of a bad situation. On one hand, you can't turn your back on Trey because he is your brother; the two of you share an unbreakable bond. However, if you don't place some distance between the two of you, you will lose sight of any objectivity. I do not envy your position, as I am sure it has to hurt like hell. Protect your heart, pray for his salvation, and love him like mad when he gets his life together.
Posted by: Lori at September 19, 2005 10:54 PMTrey... I’m encouraged by your words because... to my knowledge... it’s the first time you’ve ever taken ownership of either your behavior or your addiction... and that’s the first step to recovery...
If you can take one step... you can take another... and another... every great journey begins with one small step.
If it's genuine, you’ll back the words up with change... because words that aren’t backed up by
action are just noise... something to distract.
There’s some precedent in that...and it goes further back than the here and now... or than you and us... James addressed the subject when he said that we could claim we loved God all we wanted to, but unless we backed up our words with our deeds, it meant nothing. He asked his readers, “But wilt thou know, vain man, that faith without works is dead?”
If becoming a man of honor and integrity, of wisdom and joy, of being an uncle your niece and
nephews can look up to and depend on... if erasing the fear and distrust... is truly what’s most important to you... then you have to start now to making changes in the way you live... and in the
choices you make... one day at a time... one hour at a time... even one minute at a time...
The really cool thing is that if you choose the good things... even if it takes a long time... there will come a day when the good things will be part of the present and not just a hoped-for future.
The thing is... you can change your truth... and your desires... and your determination and ability
to achieve them... with God’s help... and with the help of people He put here to help you. Don’t dismiss groups like AA... they’ve got tremendous success rates... it’s easier for two to fight a battle than one... because when one falls, the other can lift him up.
trey, who knows if you'll bother to come back and see if anyone else responded to your remarks, but I just have to say that things sounded pretty good til the end, when you said "move on". Believe me, we all would if we could....but you won't let us because you keep doing the same old things over and over. Clinton used to have a sign that said something to the effect of "What you DO either underlines or negates what you say!" So SHOW us something different, please................if you truly love your family, SHOW IT!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: aunt j at September 23, 2005 01:57 PM