I had a little breakdown tonight after the kids got in bed. I am not surprised, really. It's been a weird and busy time. Hurricanes, family stuff, money and car issues, plus the week or so of nighttime problems with the kids. It's no wonder I've been tired and generally blue lately. All this other stuff in life pushes out the few sanity savers I depend on. Like running, or blogging, or writing. Those are the first to go when things get crazy, which is pretty bad. I am left with nothing to refuel me, and the boundaries between me and the rest of my life begin to melt away. I hate feeling like I am defined by the chores and errands of my life, and that's what happens when I can't spend time with just ME. I am more than Dinner Maker or Laundry Folder!

OOOh, the whine. I really am such a baby! Those things are honorable - and I shouldn't complain. I should just do what needs be done and quit fussing about "expressing myself." That's so overrated! It's selfish and lazy to gripe about it. I betcha no self respecting pioneer woman was complaining that she didn't get "me-time". It's pretty juvenile in the scope of things.

Plus, it doesn't change anything- I still only have so many hours in the day and the truth is, there just isn't time for anything but the essentials to keep this family afloat. I already have a negative balance on my time. If I blog, then I don't fold that load of laundry. If I stay up to do both, I sleep less. And I already get too little sleep as it is. And help me if I try to go grocery shopping and jogging in the same day. You wouldn't believe how that throws me off.

What I want just doesn't weigh in againgst the other stuff. In the end, it all comes back to bite me eventually. Life would be a lot simpler if I was a robot. All these extracurricular thoughts really only serve as a reminder of what I am NOT getting to do.

Excuse the internal dialogue there.

See what I'm dealing with? Guilt over not doing things the right way (look at my closets please, and you'll see what I'm talking about), guilt over not WANTING to clean them, guilt over wanting to do something solely for my pleasure alone, and eventually bitter cynicism. That's nice, huh?

Where the heck is all this guilt coming from? I'm sick of it! What standard do I feel I am not meeting? Can someone please tell me where I'm getting all this junk so I can get over it? Do you guys have this figured out? Am I the only one that feels like I come up short in every department? Patrick says I am too hard on myself, and I know he's right. So why do I still look around and only see what I'm not doing right, rather than what I am doing right?

Sigh.

Okay, so I should probably delete this post and get my grouchy butt in bed. I'll leave it though, because this is how I feel at the moment. And you've heard my schpiel about the real blog, real world thing. Sometimes it's pretty, and sometimes it ain't.

I think I will get in bed though. Midnight is a lot later than it used to be. Tomorrow WILL be better. Even if it takes chocolate. And shopping. And excessive drinking. I'll do what's necessary, people. Shannon's gonna have a good day, dangit.

Okay, g'night, everybody. Sleep tight.