Like, how I feel about my brother spending his first days in jail. Or my anxiety about ****, ****************. Or how I'm secretly afraid that I'll never ****************. Or that sometimes I wish *******************. I don't want to say that crap, but I do, and I can't. It's not even really bad stuff- (it's killing you that I bleeped it out though, isn't it?), but it's the compilation of all my insecurities and worries. Things that I know intrinsically about myself and don't want people to see. We all have that, don't we? Secret anxieties and fears and doubts? Sometimes I feel like I come off as this posterchild for normalcy, a model of the idyllic life. And in a lot of ways, it IS true. I don't have much money, but I got love, baby. I know I do. And I'm so incredibly grateful for it all - you've heard me say that enough at APOG to know it's true. But in the middle of all that, sometimes I feel like I am doing everything wrong, or that I'm going to wake up a thousand years from now and wonder how much of me is the real deal, and not just what people expected (and needed) to see. Tell me you guys struggle with that, too. Tell me that we're all a little screwed up, in some way. That will make me feel a lot better. Cause if that's normal, well, hey! Great! If not--- hm. You guys can send a letter to Dr. Phil on my behalf or something.

This blog helps though. I think I tend to internalize things in the real world, but when I write, I don't. My instinct has always been to write honestly about my life, as far back as I can remember (thus some embarrassingly bad poetry about boys and parents and whatnot.) eh. The challenge here on this blog is to know when NOT to write about something, when to reign that in. I have to remind myself that wait, people are reading this!! People that, you know, see me on a daily basis and all. The struggle to be honest with myself here, and there, and everywhere-- to be the same person I am inside AND outside... I hope I'm not alone in that. But if I am, well at least I feel like I am making progress with APOG. I seriously expect an itemized bill from Movabletype for all these therapy sessions one day.

Anyway. There you have it. Shannon's Officially Way Too Emotional Post of the Week. Now it's out of the way, and we can par-tay for the next seven days! Whoohoo!!

Ooh, look! I feel better! Groovy. Who knew the healing powers of the Blog?